They’re so cute, I just wish they didn’t come out blurry. Max hugging Nick :)

I have so many mixed emotions today I don’t even know what to do. The bright side is I was able to squeeze into the already filled August class for Phlebotomy because someone dropped their spot so there was ONE opening and I don’t have to wait until September anymore… luckily and Teen Mom 2 is back tonight (I’m really looking or pulling for anything for ‘the bright side’).

The worst part of the day was my mom treating me like shit like she always does without missing a beat whenever we have to be around each other. She needed to come with me to school for me to enroll. We ended up talking about me and why I’m unhappy and in her eyes a failure (Why can’t I just let it go or move on? Why can’t I just deal with it like everyone else? Why can’t I be normal?) because she always brings it up and I hate talking to her because it always ends the same way.

She asks about MY opinions, MY feelings, MY emotions, MY experience, MY perspective, MY mental illnesses (in other words, if it’s about ME then she shouldn’t dispute what she doesn’t know) and the minute I bring up anything she disagrees with or doesn’t want to hear (the truth and her part in it though I don’t put full responsibility on her or myself, it’s both of us. She’s just too immature to admit it like I can) she flips out and starts talking shit. As usual, disregarding my feelings, putting me down, never admitting or taking responsibility for her shit, the list goes on and on.

I was bawling and she just kept going… she is such a heartless bitch and when I pointed that out like can you see someone else’s point of view without making it all about you when you asked about MY side? You shouldn’t even be talking, you asked my opinion and you don’t have to agree or understand but you’re asking ME and I’m TRYING to tell you. You asked me what I’m holding on to and what I need to move on and I did say I just want you to admit where you were wrong and apologize and stop doing it and you’re going to tell me that you did or what should be good enough for me? Also, I’m lying? Everything I’m saying is a lie, why would I have a reason to lie? We were both there and you’re full of shit and in so much denial.

YOU ASKED ME! I don’t care about your opinion, it doesn’t change my mind. Then you’re going to yell and have a tone and get bitchy with me because I didn’t say yeah you’ve never done anything wrong, none of my problems stem from you… bitch please. It’s never your fault, you’re never wrong.  I never said everything was her fault and none of it was mine but how you grow up does affect you and everyone with a brain knows that. I’m not quite sure why she’s too dumb to see what everyone else already knows.

Even when she blamed everything on me when I was telling her everything and turned it on me I was crying and she wouldn’t stop. She asked me to provide her examples and who thinks that because it’s only me and when I do she denies it all and turns it on all of us. We’re liars. WE’RE crazy. I’m not the one getting hysterical and making accusations about everyone else? How can you not see what a heartless bitch you are? You do this to me every time we talk and it’s why I moved out and wouldn’t talk to you or let you have my number for over a year. That’s why I don’t like talking to my mom. In other words, I can’t stand her! I hate her.

The other thing is I’m starting therapy again tomorrow so I have mixed feelings about that and now have a fresh thing to talk about thanks to my bitch mom. I don’t want to tell anyone about my problems, I’m exhausted from going over it again and again from person to person because it never gets anything resolved and I just feel worse after. I don’t like talking to anyone about it, I feel bad when I tell people I know because I don’t think they care based on their reaction and I feel bad telling strangers because I think they’re going to judge me (and they say it’s better because strangers WONT judge me).

But that’s not the truth, I know nothing about them and I have to give them my life story, they get to know everything about me and then they judge me based on what I say, that’s their job. I don’t need more people thinking there’s something wrong with me. My problem is I care what people think regardless of who it is even though I shouldn’t. But at the same time, I’ve had shitty therapists or experiences and I think it’ll be good to try again because it’s better than doing nothing and not getting any better like I’ve been doing and maybe at least the medication will help. 

So I feel the therapy is a good and bad thing but today just proved that I really do still need it even though I never doubted that I didn’t. I’m just that much more determined to get better and not let that bitch ruin my life anymore and show her that I can be and am the bigger, better person. NOT the other way around. I just hope I can make decent progress before school and that I can finally move on from all the bullshit people and things holding me back.

Wth is wrong with my smile lol this is why I gave up trying to take pictures. Blah, why do I bother? lol -.-

I’m so tired of the same things happening over and over again. Nothing ever changes, people never change, nothing ever gets better despite how much you try, what’s the point of even trying? :’(

"When someone is so sweet to you, don’t expect that person will be like that all the time. Remember, even the sweetest chocolate expires."
- (via amercantiger)

(via notsocoolsocks)